


I Wish That I Could Go Back

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Abortion, Car Accidents, Discussion of Abortion, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-04-20 17:58:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14266524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)Fic inspired by Barbies by Pink.





	1. Chapter 1

They say that things were simple then  
Although I don’t remember when  
I wanna know what happens next  
Where do we all go?

And I lock every single door  
And I look behind me even more  
And now turned into someone that I swore I would never be

“Honey,” her mother said, opening the door to her youngest daughter’s bedroom slowly. “We have to go.”

Jennifer could barely say anything, her eyes locked in the distance. “Right there.”

“Sweetheart, if you want to talk-”

“I don’t want to talk! I want my sister back!” She snapped, her eyes ablaze. 

The door closed slowly. JJ instantly regretted snapping. She just didn’t know what to do anymore. Life didn’t make sense without Ros here. Why had she-? She couldn’t even say it. It was hard enough to think it.

Her thumb and forefinger floated over the necklace. What could’ve been so awful that she assumed this was the only way out? Had she even thought about what that decision would do to her? To their parents?

“Why?!”

Her vase of flowers crashed against the wall, water flowing down the sides like the tears had fallen since that night…had it only been two nights since?

“Baby, what happened?” Her father asked as the door swung open. He saw the wall and then it dawned on him. “Oh…”

“Yea, oh.”

“Sweetheart, you have to talk to someone. You can’t hold this in.”

She stormed out of the room. “I don’t have to do anything. Just like Ros didn’t have to kill herself and leave me all alone! But some things just happen!”

The door to the car slammed shut behind her.

Both her mom and dad tried to talk, but she wanted none of it.

She wanted Ros.

\---

They say that things were simple then  
Although I don’t remember when  
I wanna know what happens next  
Where do we all go?

And I lock every single door  
And I look behind me even more  
And now turned into someone that I swore I would never be

“Matt, what do I do?”

She was sitting against the wall, her hand on her stomach, unsure of what was right, but positive of what she could handle. “I can’t have a baby, Matt. But if I do this…what is that going to do to me? What are people going to say?”

She was alone. Her mother was there in name only and Matt was all she had to lean on. Kids were wonderful, but she still was one. How was she supposed to raise one? She couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. 

“Screw what people say,” he replied, sitting at her side. Emily had always been alone, moving from one place to another to another after years or possibly even just months of getting used to new surroundings. “You know what you can handle, yes?”

Emily nodded, sobbing into his shoulder. “Yes.”

“Do you want to have a baby right now?”

“No.” She hated herself for admitting it. “But he said I wouldn’t be welcome at mass again. I asked him what to do and he turned his back on me.”

Matt hated seeing his friend cry. The bigotry and hatred outright taught by the church set his soul on fire. “Listen to me. I’ll go with you…to the procedure if you want me to. And afterwards, you and I will walk hand in hand back into that church and show him his warped views of God won’t stop you from believing.”

She wasn’t sure she deserved such an amazing friend. Her heart clenched at the thoughts of what was to come. Could she handle it? Could she truly still believe? Possibly. Her only hope was right at her side.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

\---

They say that things were simple then  
Although I don’t remember when  
I wanna know what happens next  
Where do we all go?

And I lock every single door  
And I look behind me even more  
Now turned into someone that I swore I would never be

It was at 3 or 4 years old that he knew his mother was not okay, so he never really had a time in his life that he would return to, but that didn’t keep him from wondering about a time in his life when he was more naive. Sometimes having an eidetic memory, knowing more than the average person…it was gut-wrenching.

Fuck you, William Reid.

Spencer shouldn’t have had to be the one to make this decision, but the coward left - and that meant that Spencer had to be the one standing across from his mother, the woman that bore him, and watch as the despair filled her eyes. He couldn’t take care of her. He was 18 for fucks sake. The knowledge was there; that’s something he’d always had, but he couldn’t be there for her and go to school, and when she was lucid, that’s what she’d always wanted for him - to foster his brilliance. Despite knowing deep down he was doing what was right, watching his mother get taken away by two medical professionals still felt like a stab to the gut. 

Would she ever forgive him?

He sure as hell would never forgive himself.

How could he when his mother was looking at him this way? 

Like she’d been stabbed in the back while being looked right in the eye. Like she’d lost all hope. Like she was a wave that would never be able to return to shore.

\---

They say that things were simple then  
Although I don’t remember when  
I wanna know what happens next  
Where do we all go?

And I lock every single door  
And I look behind me even more  
Now turned into someone that I swore I would never be

If she’d just come home.

Why didn’t she come home on time?

That’s all they ever asked of her.

She didn’t listen.

And now they were gone.

It was her fault.

Penelope Garcia lost her parents because she was a stubborn child and wouldn’t come home.

“How do you want to go about the arrangements?” The man asked. His suit was oppressive, his voice grating, his very being getting under her skin. 

What was she supposed to say to that? She was 18 years old. She wasn’t supposed to be putting her parents in the ground. Not yet. “I don’t know. How am I supposed to do this? What are your suggestions?” Every word she spoke was flat. This wasn’t her. Either she’d spit words out like venom, angry at the world for whatever fucking reason, or she’d be filled with wonder and joy, loving the endless possibilities the world had to offer. But she felt nothing.

She took the man’s suggestions; did what she was supposed to do. Over the course of the next few days, she went through the motions and did what was expected.

And then it was all over.

Her parents were in the ground. She’d never see them again.

Pulling out of school was an easy decision. She just didn’t care anymore. Coding was all she cared about, so she continued teaching it to herself, sinking further and further into the underground world of hacking. Her clothes lost their vibrance - the black she veiled herself in indicative of her lack of hope and anger at the world.

“You’re really good at that,” she heard from behind her. “But you could be better.”

“Oh, really?” 

“Yup. Let me teach you.” He held his hand out. Reluctantly, she took it. Something inside her said this wasn’t the best idea, but she’d changed. “I’m Shane. Shane Wyeth.”

\---

Waking up, she felt the emptiness in her stomach.

I wish that I could go back

Walking out of the hospital, away from the family she’d come to love. Off to start over again.

I wish that I could go back

Staring down at the needle in his arm, his skin blooming red as the drugs coursed through his veins.

I wish that I could go back

Staring up at the night sky from the concrete floor, warmth pooling from her stomach as she wondered if this was her last night on earth.

I wish that I could go back


	2. All I Wanna Do

And I wish I could go back to playing barbies in my room  
They never say that you gotta grow up, quite this soon  
How fast things change, and now I’m here  
And all I wanna do  
Is go back to playing barbies in my room

She always, always played second fiddle. She did then and she was now. Steven was always the golden child, no matter how many times he fucked up. It never mattered to their father. 

As a child, she swore that when she grew up things would be different. All of the going to school and making something of herself was going to prove to him that she was the one worthy of praise. That Steven wasn’t an “entrepreneur” or an “innovator.” He was just the child that took risks that never paid off. 

“What does he have to do to make you as disappointed in him as you are in me?” She seethed from across the interrogation table. 

She was getting too personal. Hotch was going to pull her out and rightfully so, but she couldn’t help it. Why could she never do anything right for him?

“I’m n-not disappointed in you,” he stuttered, rather unconvincingly. Maybe he did believe it, because the dull sparkle behind his eye told her he might be telling the truth, but his actions - both past and present - said otherwise. 

“Really? Could’ve fooled me. Time and time again you excuse Steven’s bullshit,” she spat. She was really crossing a line, but the ball kept rolling. “He loses gobs of money. He gets caught up in something he shouldn’t. You excuse him every time and yet I can’t get away with anything less than perfection.”

“I just wanted you to live up to your fullest potential, but Steven…he needs encouragement.”

“He needs a kick in the ass - to get his life together. I’m the one that needed encouragement. After Mom died, I needed someone to tell me that I mattered, but all you could talk about was him.”

There was a time when she didn’t feel this full of resentment - when she was young - before her mom died. And that freedom from bitterness died with her mother.

—–

They say that things were simple then  
Although I don’t remember when  
I wanna know what happens next  
Where do we all go?

The concept of simple was an illusion. Matt never had it. All he wanted to do was live his life, do his job, marry the woman he loved, but as he looked into the eyes of Kristy’s grandparents, he couldn’t help but see the reflection of his own paternal grandparents. They’d never kept their hatred of him a secret.

Racism came in all shapes and sizes. Korean mother, Caucasian father. When he was very young, his parents had glossed it over. They’d told him stories about how Grandma and Grandpa didn’t really like his mother, but it had been so much more than simple dislike. They looked at her like she was less than human.

Looking back, he’d always wondered if it went through their minds that they might lessen their hate against a child. Surely, they couldn’t hate a child just because of that. Children were innocent. But it didn’t. They looked at him just like they looked at his mother, and now he was back here again, seeing the same type of hatred reflected in another’s eyes.

All he wanted to do was live. Why was that so much to ask?

—–

Scotch-taping posters on my wall  
Rolling pixie sticks to smoke  
Couldn’t wait ‘til I was older

What kind of asinine thought was that? Why had he ever wanted to get older?

High school was beautiful. High school was when he’d met Haley - when he’d first laid eyes on her and realized that she was going to be the woman he married. She’d been so beautiful up on the stage. He’d never imagined trying out for a play. He just wasn’t the type. But for her, he’d be any type she wanted.

He was the worst fourth pirate in the world, but he’d gotten her.

And now he’d lost her…all because he wanted to grow up.

In the other room, the Reaper was sitting in a pool of his own blood, and Haley was sitting in hers, a bullet through the neck, glossy eyes staring up at him. No life behind them. Not like high school up on that stage.

Why had he wanted to grow up?

Why couldn’t he go back?

—–

They say that things were simple then  
Although I don’t remember when  
I wanna know what happens next  
Where do we all go?

A rattling, scratching, desperate breath wrenched its way from Luke’s throat as he woke up, the tube in his throat. There was beeping and clattering all around him and then suddenly white coats were surrounding him and the tube was pulled from his throat. He coughed and sputtered, trying desperately to catch his breath as his mind reeled.

The last thing he remembered was being cornered with Ryan.

“My partner!” He rasped. “Where’s my partner?!”

“Calm down, Sir. Calm down.” How was he supposed to be calm? His heart was near to bursting.

“At ease, Alvez!”

Turning in the direction of the booming voice, his eyes went wide. His commanding officer, Gordon. “At ease, Solider!”

Luke did his best to follow orders, but he couldn’t breathe. Where was Ryan? Gordon placed his hand on Luke’s shoulder as the medics checked him out. Vitals were a little wonky, but otherwise not too bad. He’d looked and felt worse before.

One by one the doctors left the room, and with each both, shreds of hope went with them. Something was wrong. When he was freaking out, they would’ve said he was okay to calm him down, but they couldn’t say anything. “Sir, where is Ryan? Where is he?”

Gordon was never the type to beat around the bush, but he wasn’t saying anything - lips tight, eyes shaking. 

“No.”

Gordon looked down at his feet.

Luke felt his heart on fire.

“No! NO!”

And I lock every single door  
And I look behind me even more  
And now turned into someone that I swore I would never be


End file.
